I don't even know how to start this post...I needed a place to convey a much longer message then FB would allow and this seemed the best medium.
B & I are excited to announce that we are expecting a little jo-oper to join us around April of 2015!
While this is an extremely exciting time for us this road to reproducing has been painful and well super shitty for most of it. This week celebrates the 7th year I have been partnered with a wonderful man and it also signifies the due date of our first that we lost. Many of you are probably not aware that we had a miscarriage. It was something I did not know how to talk about and decided it was better to just move on and "forget" about it. This past year has been full of a lot of experiences where we "learned" that the world is not fair, karma can be total garbage and really so many things are out of our control and our miscarriage felt like one more thing to add to that shit pile. It really makes you start to question why you work so hard, what motivates you to do what you do and honesty it is safer to stop caring completely because we learned that everything you hold sacred can be ripped away from you--if that is your home, safety, or even your hopes/dreams. We just kind of went into zombie mode..do the day to day stuff but no talking about the future or even functioning above what is required to survive.
When we learned we were expecting again we were stunned and while I would love to state it was a joyous moment it really was one where we wondered if we could even do it..if we had enough to go through this again and I had my doubts. I am a person who needs some control and pregnancy is something where you have none. You are forced to stay in that place of just accepting the current moment. I do not do this well! I am constantly looking for ways to fix something/to improve/to do and well besides the typical stuff there are still no guarantees. There is no 100%. I am learning to accept that, though, I am far from perfect. We are so blessed to have family to talk to, doctors who give us their cell #'s "just to talk if you need to" and so so so many people who love and bless us with their friendship. We started to work hard at focusing on the positives and well we realized we are very very lucky to have MANY awesome people in our lives who accept and love us just as we are. This is something money cannot buy and is our true reward.
It is with excitement and anxiety that we own our pregnancy as of this date and with lots of hope set our site on April. We are trying to accept the words from our doctor that we are "extremely low risk" as of this point. Clearly we have no idea what we are doing or what the future holds so any and all advice or tips are appreciated and any prayers/positive thoughts/chants/energy sent our way we thank you for in advance. Truly.
I will also state that being transparent about all this felt very necessary for both of us. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This also does not even begin to address those people who cope with infertility. We want to be a part of the movement of ending the silence and the shame. I know that there are people in our life who have struggled or are struggling right now. It can be so freaking isolating and painful and I wanted to make sure that when you saw our announcement you would also know that our hearts are with you and that we are a safe space to cry/vent/curse/distract. If you need us to add you to a no-baby info fb list please just let us know.
We hope that by ending our silence about our journey so far as well as letting our bigger world know our current "secret" it will only continue to help us grow/heal and connect closer to you all.
Much love!
B & L and the little nugget.
The Yard right now....
Before we bought our house I had moved every 6 months (or even more frequently some years) for the previous 4 years. I dreamed of having a garden, of being able to watch things evolve, grow and create my "vision". To put things into the ground and not always into pots. So when we finally got our house (it was late august) the first thing I planted was those crocus bulbs (also planted some daffodils thought the chickens seem to love those for a little snack..oy). So much was changing and so much was hoped on. Our blank slate of a house and yard was overwhelming, exciting. Though by august there was little to do, and honestly little funds or energy to devote. One bag of bulbs was what I had. And with each bulb a little promise of what was to come, a whisper of my dreams, fears, and hopes. Fall came, Winter lasted forever and then in the spring up they came reminding me of that August. It also made me stop for a moment and go back over the year. As it does every year that they pop up, each year multiplying just a bit more. I am so thankful to be heading towards our 4th summer here and honestly while the land is a bit less of a blank slate there is still a lot of work to be done.
Here is where we are at now:
Our "chicken proof" raised beds. In the middle is garlic and the ground cover is coming in nicely. I actually forgot what ground cover I used so if anyone has any ideas that would be great...
(note to self: create a garden notebook..)
An artichoke is actually already coming up! Planted this last year thanks to our warm winter it is already growing up a ton of new leaves.
The rhubarb is starting its 3rd year and is just starting to peek up.
I want to say that gardening is a learning process and I am FAR from an expert. I think the great thing about staying in one place for multiple years though helps you really learn your lessons. I have found that certain plants hate certain areas, chickens have their own gardening agenda and plants need tending to become real stars. Each year I get a bit smarter with my planting, a bit more relaxed, gutsy.
Today as I submerged my hands in dirt to plant loose strawberry roots (this is the third year we are planting and each year we have had little to no success...so fingers crossed!) and peas (these are the best to start gardening with, hard to mess up) I realize how much I have missed this evolving world, this connection.
I am so excited for summer! for sun! for gardening! (to be truthful I am just as excited for hammocking...)
Copy Cat....
So there is this place close to me that has the MOST epic spiced pickled pineapple! Like I *might* have a problem good...when you put a segment into your mouth it explodes with the sunrise of the pineapple, the pucker that comes from the vinegar and just the right amount of heat to make you grab another. I think about them a bit too much, pass over their other amazingly pickled veggies just to gobble them up before anyone else can....they are sooo good.
So whats a girl to do when she has asked time and again for the recipe and they state "insider secrets"?? You start to google the shit out of the universe to find a recipe that might just be good enough....when nothing fit I actually hit the my book shelf and to my surprise The Complete Book of Small-Batch Preserving had a pickled peach recipe that had a 'pineapple' variation....so out comes the ol' Kettle, dusted off the vinegar, sugar and hopefully in a month my addiction shall be sated.
Spiced Pickled Pineapple
Adapted from The Complete Book of Small-Batch Preserving
3 pineapples peeled, cored and cut into chunks.
7 cups of sugar
3 1/4 cups white vinegar
6 cups of water
6 cinnamon sticks (3 inches long)
2 tbsp whole cloves
1 tsp whole all spice
chili flakes
1. Bring sugar, vinegar and water to boil over high heat in a saucepan, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Tie cinnamon, cloves and allspice into a cheesecloth bag and add to sugar (I made two smaller bags instead of one big one). Reduce heat, cover and boil gently for 10 minutes.2. Add Pineapple to syrup. Boil for 5 minutes. I added my chili flakes to the bottom of my hot jars right before the time was up, I did pints and prob added 1/4 to 1/2 tsp to each jar...
3. Remove pineapple from liquid with a slotted spoon and pack into jars. Pour liquid over pineapples but allow for 1/2 inch head-space. Process for 20 minutes for pints, and 25 for quarts.
My 3 pineapples made 3 pints and some half pints. Honestly I just used a variety of jars and started munching on the pineapple so I lost a bit in the "testing" phase.... ;)
So in a month I shall know if these are any good. I do know that after a couple of months of not canning it felt good to get the equipment out and create. The pineapple is just so damn lovely that honestly even if they taste like garbage they will be pretty to look at.
Thankful Wednesday!
Today I am thankful for:
-6 wonderful years with the love of my life: Lola. Seriously we are part of the same soul and am glad we got paired up again this lifetime.
-Neighbors who stop by with a freshly filled growler and then listen to you on your soap box.
-My chickens who provide food and laughter.
-Having health insurance again.
-Winning the supervisor "lottery".
-My garlic shoots reminding me that spring is coming.....
-Dry Shampoo.
-A 3 day holiday weekend coming up where I get to hang out & relax with my family :)
Whatcha thankful for today?
-6 wonderful years with the love of my life: Lola. Seriously we are part of the same soul and am glad we got paired up again this lifetime.
-Neighbors who stop by with a freshly filled growler and then listen to you on your soap box.
-My chickens who provide food and laughter.
-Having health insurance again.
-Winning the supervisor "lottery".
-My garlic shoots reminding me that spring is coming.....
-Dry Shampoo.
-A 3 day holiday weekend coming up where I get to hang out & relax with my family :)
Whatcha thankful for today?
Blessed.
Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed.
Like SUPER overwhelmed.
It this it was 8pm dinner had finally just been made, dishes still undone, the house was a mess, the dogs weren't fed (or walked mind you) and I still had a ton of work I wanted to do, a rented movie to watch that was due the day before sitting on the coffee table and well I kind of just imploded.
This lead to a whole discussion with my beau, via google chat because we were both under a work deadline (and honestly I think he has realized to give me space when I am processing), about women and how I feel pulled to "do everything" and while I know, rationally, that this is not possible I still attempt to do it for some reason and how I worry (even subconsciously) that I will sometimes "fail" as a woman. My plate already feels too full and yet there is so much more I want to do, to provide, to give, to create, to change
my beau wrote this in response:
How did I get so lucky?
Seriously.
Like SUPER overwhelmed.
It this it was 8pm dinner had finally just been made, dishes still undone, the house was a mess, the dogs weren't fed (or walked mind you) and I still had a ton of work I wanted to do, a rented movie to watch that was due the day before sitting on the coffee table and well I kind of just imploded.
This lead to a whole discussion with my beau, via google chat because we were both under a work deadline (and honestly I think he has realized to give me space when I am processing), about women and how I feel pulled to "do everything" and while I know, rationally, that this is not possible I still attempt to do it for some reason and how I worry (even subconsciously) that I will sometimes "fail" as a woman. My plate already feels too full and yet there is so much more I want to do, to provide, to give, to create, to change
my beau wrote this in response:
Brent:
i would be happy if i was born into the most important role of society
How did I get so lucky?
Seriously.
Validation.
I have been dealing with a lot of validation issues recently....It seems that in most areas of my life I am looking to be validated in different ways...with different measurements. And while the past few weeks has lead me to lamenting that I am not special/worthy/talented/appreciated because these measurements have not been promising, have not been to my standard.
The problem with this path is that you start to compare yourself to others, your life, your outcomes, your relationships, your future....and guess what?
It never measures up.
Because the people you are comparing yourself to are an image/a smoke screen: sometimes created on purpose and sometimes the image is fractured by ourselves to fit our needs. There is no happy ending for this path, it is full of bumps and a downhill slope. Yup life ain't fair and some people honestly do have parts of their life that is probably better then your own.
But then today.
today.
someone shook me up.
they reminded me that I am in charge.
I am the one creating the measurements.
The one in charge of the comparisons.
All I have to do change what I am comparing myself to.
How I measure being validated.
Money, Success, Fancy things are easy.
Happiness, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Respect are the real measurements of a life.
shit breaks. shit gets old.
self-respect, self-pride can't be bought.
I am going to try to hold onto this lesson.
The problem with this path is that you start to compare yourself to others, your life, your outcomes, your relationships, your future....and guess what?
It never measures up.
Because the people you are comparing yourself to are an image/a smoke screen: sometimes created on purpose and sometimes the image is fractured by ourselves to fit our needs. There is no happy ending for this path, it is full of bumps and a downhill slope. Yup life ain't fair and some people honestly do have parts of their life that is probably better then your own.
But then today.
today.
someone shook me up.
they reminded me that I am in charge.
I am the one creating the measurements.
The one in charge of the comparisons.
All I have to do change what I am comparing myself to.
How I measure being validated.
Money, Success, Fancy things are easy.
Happiness, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Respect are the real measurements of a life.
shit breaks. shit gets old.
self-respect, self-pride can't be bought.
I am going to try to hold onto this lesson.
Turn that frown...
So I am in a piss poor mood...and the worst of it is I am totally to blame...which makes me in an even worse mood! I feel kind of ridiculous complaining and I completely realize that in the scheme of the world my problems are not much BUT seriously....
I might of stopped cleaning my house a couple of months ago...I mean I would pick up stuff and shove things places and what not but actually cleaning just went out the door and now as I feel this "must clean" energy pushing through me I am not only overwhelmed but wanting to just take a match and burn the whole place as that would be easier then actually getting all the scum off the ridiculously small subway tile ish walk in shower we have....SERIOUSLY. As I was scrubbing each little square one by one until my arms ached I kept trying to change the old mind frame, here is some thoughts:
--Look at me working out and cleaning at the same time....isn't that great!! (note: the only thing I hate more then cleaning is working out so this was not effective)...
--Isn't it nice to do something where I can actually see my progress for once! (note: as I looked over and saw 40000000 more tiles to scrub individually this mantra was replaced by a four letter word that rhymes with duck..)
--Aren't I lucky to even have a shower?? (as I contemplated how horrible just having a hose outside would actually be...I mean honestly that might be refreshing..right??)
As I slowly but surely cleaned my 5 x 5 bathroom for over an hour and started to see the light at the end of the tunnel I had to leave to get the mop....this is when I realized that I had another 1200 square feet (thank god it isn't 2000 sq.) (<---oh look at that positive reframe! sweet jesus slowly but surely.) I just about had a freaking melt down.
The worst is that I have no one else to point the finger, to yell at, etc...except myself. SOOOO in all things learning and not giving up I have now vowed to spend 15 minutes a day cleaning, not picking stuff up, not shoving things in closets and closing the door quickly, etc...but actual mop/vinegar/sponge/dusting floor boards cleaning.
I shall report back if this makes things easier or more manageable.
Anyone have cleaning tips? Or how to keep a house clean?
Wish me luck.
Lacy
I might of stopped cleaning my house a couple of months ago...I mean I would pick up stuff and shove things places and what not but actually cleaning just went out the door and now as I feel this "must clean" energy pushing through me I am not only overwhelmed but wanting to just take a match and burn the whole place as that would be easier then actually getting all the scum off the ridiculously small subway tile ish walk in shower we have....SERIOUSLY. As I was scrubbing each little square one by one until my arms ached I kept trying to change the old mind frame, here is some thoughts:
--Look at me working out and cleaning at the same time....isn't that great!! (note: the only thing I hate more then cleaning is working out so this was not effective)...
--Isn't it nice to do something where I can actually see my progress for once! (note: as I looked over and saw 40000000 more tiles to scrub individually this mantra was replaced by a four letter word that rhymes with duck..)
--Aren't I lucky to even have a shower?? (as I contemplated how horrible just having a hose outside would actually be...I mean honestly that might be refreshing..right??)
As I slowly but surely cleaned my 5 x 5 bathroom for over an hour and started to see the light at the end of the tunnel I had to leave to get the mop....this is when I realized that I had another 1200 square feet (thank god it isn't 2000 sq.) (<---oh look at that positive reframe! sweet jesus slowly but surely.) I just about had a freaking melt down.
The worst is that I have no one else to point the finger, to yell at, etc...except myself. SOOOO in all things learning and not giving up I have now vowed to spend 15 minutes a day cleaning, not picking stuff up, not shoving things in closets and closing the door quickly, etc...but actual mop/vinegar/sponge/dusting floor boards cleaning.
I shall report back if this makes things easier or more manageable.
Anyone have cleaning tips? Or how to keep a house clean?
Wish me luck.
Lacy
