Cherries & Life.

Today was the funeral of a friend's son whom passed this past week.  I had known her son and will miss him greatly but even harder for me is to see my good friend in such pain and heartache.  I wish I could comfort her and make it all go away but there are not words to heal right now or enough hugs to erase the pain she is feeling...only time and constant love for quite a while will dull it and while I am sure she will always miss and grieve her hilarious, loving, caring, witty son until eternity I was left today with a sense of powerlessness and grief.  Grief makes you realize how fleeting life is, how precious and sacred. How each day is truly a gift and each day we spend with a loved one is an even better.  When death is present all the pity shit just fades into the background...all the fights over laundry, the stress of day-to-day life, etc just don't matter.  at. all.

Grief is such a horrible emotion because there is nothing you can do.  I just kept wanting to do something.....anything.....I had all these feelings of thankfulness, and sadness and really didn't know how to cope and handle this influx of emotions...

So I preserved.

There is something about creating and following steps I know my great grandmothers followed, and millions of other woman before me have sorted their emotions standing, and sweating, over their stoves creating something for their families & loved ones..something they will pull out during the middle of cold, wet, black winter to remind them of the sun, warmth and fruit that will come.  There is nothing complex about it.  There is history, order, and love in preserving.  It doesn't have to be fancy, or hip just shove fruit, sugar and pectin in a jar. done.  It is unlike life...you get to know the outcome, there is no grey areas and doesn't require tough phone calls or moments of tears...well unless you are like me and burn the shit out of your finger...

So tonight I celebrated my friend by recalling his amazing wit, I processed his funeral that had people in both tears and laughter and connected with all the strength of past female souls' who have overcome much and focused on what is important: capturing the moment, taking a beautiful fruit at its peak and will use it this winter so when I can no longer see the tan on my skin, am having a hard time even recalling how the sun felt on my skin to remember that no matter how dark it seems there is hope and salvation in the future.

Made: Maraschino Cherries

and with the leftover juice I adapted this: Cherry Almond Jelly

Hug those around you fiercely and make sure they know you love them.

Lacy

food.

The more I learn the more I want to just stop learning.  I want to go back to that person eating lean cuisine and special K.....

I do not have kids but if/when I do I am gonna be one of those people who watches everything that goes in that little beans mouth.  I am thankful my parents were slightly ahead of the curve with raw milk and meat from local farms but still was raised on candy, hamburger helper & convenience foods.

I sometimes wonder if all my efforts to eat food I don't have to worry about is worth it....it takes hours a week, it takes planning & canning (more time), it costs more $$.....

I watch something like this and yes it is all worth it.  By doing this I am taking a stand and saying NO to government fucked up programs which support these horrible foods.  I am saying NO to major corporations who are fucking over local farmers.  I am saying NO to fucking up our world.  I am saying NO to increased risks of cancer, increased insurance costs, a body full of toxic chemicals.

I am not perfect.  I ate fake cheese today.....I am addicted to coffee creamer with some intense ingredients that are not easy to pronounce....BUT I am doing what I can.  Slowly we are ridding our cabinets, our lives, from any products that support these horrible practices & in turn slowly kill us.

Now wishing the government would wake up.

importance.

Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A major event took place in my life a couple of months ago that left me slightly reeling.  I felt that the base of my support/identity/etc had been blasted away.  I had moments where I cried, was angry, and honestly overwhelmed.  

And now there is today.

I honestly can say this time and time again but when you are living during shitty times it is hard to remember:  

Everything happens for a reason. 

Everything.

Bad or Good.

It is a lesson I must keep repeating and still when I am stressed, or have some seemingly horrible thing happen I still doubt it.

If I had not lost my job I would never had realized how much greater I am than a title, or one mission.  

The world did not end, I woke up the next morning, I continue to take breath.  

I realized that I have so many things I want to accomplish and work at...it is too soon in my life to narrow my interests.  

I realized that I have a fan-freakin--tastic partner who believed in me when I didn't and works his ass off so I can go after my dreams.  

Before this I always complained to him that I worried what would happen in tough times because honestly we had not had any.  I don't say this to gloat or to show off, no and honestly this was nothing as compared to some.  I wondered what would happen if something bad happened, bad/stressed times tend to bring out the worst in people and I worried if my worst, or his worst would be too much for the other. 

I was so stupid.

I should of never wasted time doubting.  I should of trusted my man enough to know when he gives his word its a done deal.  

What a gift. 

Another great thing that I realized is that I was no longer happy at my previous place.  We had grown up together and sadly grown apart.  It is crazy how a non-supportive, not happy environment can affect your whole self and your self-esteem. 

It has taken a few months for me to heal.  For me to accept that these things happen and it is okay.  Some things are meant to end and honestly should of ended sooner.  I didn't have the courage this time but I bet next time I will.   

Everything happens for a reason.  

What I am doing now feels so right.  Not just professionally but also in my community, with my loved ones, with my whole life.  

I feel whole and while at times I feel scared and overwhelmed so far the universe has shown me that this is the right path.  

I don't know where this path will end up nor do I want to say that I have a dream job/life that I love every single moment of...no...everything has its downsides but what I am gonna do is enjoy the moments. 

Sit with the lessons I have learned, and am still learning. 

Listen to my loved ones and believe in myself as much as they do.

Thank my lucky stars for finding such an amazing partner who respects me as a professional and can see what I need even before I realize it.

And the next time I have doubt, or begin to struggle I hope to recall this lesson and plow through it. 

Lacy  

 

Reflections/Rant

Today is my birthday which is always very odd to me.....mostly because for 364 days a year I have no concept of my actual age.....I think once you get past 21 the digits kinda blur (maybe because of the increased booze??).  I work with people much older than me (and always have), my friends vary in age from 12 to 93 and most are in their upper 50's.  To be 27 seems so minimal to where I feel I am in my life.

As woman we are supposta do so much with our lives and do it in a very specific order, which is mostly dictated by our biological clocks.  These days not only are we supposta be career woman, with degrees, success and titles BUT we are also supposta be mothers, lovers and homemakers.  I have this constant nagging feeling that I am not doing enough...yet how the hell are you supposta do it all???!!?

In so many areas of my life I feel successful.  I have a partner who both challenges me and yet also accepts me, a home that is more than I should be blessed with & a yard that could keep me busy for years, I have a job that I created for myself working for an agency that I not only believe in 100% but I get to see people's lives improve every single day.  I get thanked for doing my job, a job I actually love....how many people are lucky enough to have that??

I have a family that while not perfect always rallies to support, even when my progressive, very left values do not match up.  I still remember my father saying he was proud of me for all my work with planned parenthood....or when I broke up with my first adult love and not once did I hear a "I told you so" when they were moving me out...instead it was a hug and a threat to kick his ass :)

All of that seems so awesome yet society states that it is not enough....and sadly too many people in our society believe that bullshit hook, line and sinker.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times in the past week I have been encouraged to get married...or how many times my partner has been told to "make an honest woman out of her".....what does that even mean???  While always said in a loving manner I kinda want to say that I know everyday B makes a choice to be with me, that there is no piece of paper/contract/pressure to be with me...he CHOOSES...and how honest is that??? I do not take tomorrows for granted and while our relationship is not perfect I still get to make the choice of it is still worth it...and amazingly it has been.

While I am not someone who never wants to get married I do not understand this pressure to do so.  Sadly some of my friends are in awesome relationships but they minimize them because he hasn't popped the question yet...they even start questioning if "he is the one".  They forget to live and love in the moment, instead they focus on outside pressures that no one can measure up too.

 The plight of a woman.

It is so easy to get caught.  They have ads aimed at you (and we don't even have a tv.....hello sneaky facebook...).  They have whole magazines about it, and books.  Talk shows, and children's stories (don't even get me started on sleeping beauty...her whole life STARTS when he gives her his love...fuck that).....it is so engrained in us that by X amount of time we should have Y to show (or more like Y amount of carats).  I can't even begin to address how woman's bodies are portrayed, or how expensive clothing is sold to "make us feel better" (ala sex in the city)....It can be overwhelming, so minimizing and truly harmful if one gets caught up in it all...

All I know is that I love my life.  I love that at any point I could change it.  I am learning to stay in the moment and no matter if I am laughing or crying, to be genuine and not compare myself (and my accomplishments) to those of the fake/unattainable society.  I love that I was called (and sung to) by over 9 people on my cell, had more cards in my mailbox than it could hold and felt more love than anyone deserves.

I know that in this upcoming year there will be days full of crap, where I will take things for granted, or even get caught up in superficial ideals of happiness.  I hope to think back on this reflection and remember.  I hope to look back at this in a year and have built on my confidence, my ideals.  So here is to another year full of laughter, animals, traveling, loving, and learning.

Lacy

ice ice baby.

So its been pretty cold here....Like I kinda want to die inside cold....like it hurts my back to walk outside, put at least 2 layers of socks on cold....I will have you know that I am a big wuss to these sorts of things...I am a big believer that if it is below 72 then a sweatshirt is mandated...I would never survive in any sort of real cold weather.  I have come to accept this and move on though my family in Idaho tease me endlessly.

Cold weather also brings along my biggest fear (besides random eyeballs popping out...seriously) driving in ice or cold!! I literally have panic attacks at the thought of it....not so much my lack of skills but every other idiot  out there scares the shit out of me!  Thankfully the roads have been fine and hopefully tomorrow will be more of the same.

So I recently discovered hulu plus.....

And have proceeded to not accomplish anything (besides significantly reducing my queue).....

BUT

I did complete my first batch of Kombucha!!  I bought a scoby on etsy and the lovely seller included amazing instructions.  It was a bit touch and go for awhile....I thought there was mold in it but it turned out it was just the baby forming!  I tried some last night and am really impressed with the taste...though I will be using less sugar next time....I am also excited to NOT spend 5 bucks a bottle anymore!  (which I only allowed myself one a week).  I left it all plain but am thinking of adding ginger next time...any advice/tips would be appreciated.

Currently the Kombucha is in a dark place for the next couple of days to create carbonation.  Seriously this is another project that I thank baby jesus for Google!  I seriously don't know how people survived in the past....oy.

I need to get my butt in gear and get ready for thanksgiving.  Thankfully my family does it potluck style so I only have to come with one dish!

Hello Candied Yams!!

 Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday :)
 Lacy

Ignorance.

I work as a "social worker" for a great non-profit that assists individuals with disabilities to live in their own homes.  I don't know about you but the idea of being shoved into a house that I have to share with 5 other adults, that I don't get to choose, sounds like shit.  Many times these individuals also have to share a room with a stranger so there is no privacy, no downtime, no power.  I couldn't imagine a whole lifetime of that, could you?

7 years ago I started into this field on accident.  I was in my senior year of college and needed cash.  I had a friend who worked with teens in a group home/prison (all windows and doors were locked at all times) and was able to complete 30 hours in two days.  The pay was good, the job sounded fun and exciting so I applied.  Looking back I would not realize how this would impact my future life.  It would mold/shape everything I have done in my adulthood.

After a few years I saw so many issues that I could no longer work there and be proud of it.  I saw younger girls learning bad (very unhealthy) habits from the older girls.  Residents with amazing gifts not being developed or encouraged because of the lack of staff.  So I started applying to new places and found the current company I work for.  I vividly remember the Assistant Director interviewing me and she started to describe the philosophy behind Community Vision.  I sat there and started tearing up (very unprofessional I know) and said to her something along the lines of "I don't care if you hire me but knowing this places exists gives me hope".  Thankfully I was hired and its been an amazing journey so far. One that even made me quit grad school later on because I missed this place, this work too much.

So enough of the sap story the real reason for this post is to educate the few that read this on exactly what is happening for individuals with disabilities right here in Oregon.  A story no media is covering, a story with very little outrage/support.  I know this is not because people don't care...its because they don't know.

A year ago Oregon Health Plan (the insurance the majority of individuals with disability have) stopped covering all dental and eye procedures.  This means no glasses and if you get a cavity they pull your tooth out.  Also if you have glaucoma and need surgery...sorry....hope you enjoy being blind.  This was a major blow to many people I care about but they understood that the budget was tight.  This was also the first time I realized how uneducated the general population is.  Every time I mention this to a friend they get outraged and wonder why this wasn't in thew news.  They also feel helpless to change it.

Then the major blow hit (one I am sad to say is of many to come).

Two months ago the state threatened a 6% cut to all services to individuals with disabilities (including children).  They stated it would probably be a couple of months out and we just got confirmation that it is happening, starting October.  6% doesn't sound like a huge cut but even our little non-profit it translates to $30,000 a month less...for the same services.....  What really sucks about this is that its actually going to cost the state MORE in the not too far future.  It will stop funding to programs that allows people to live in their own homes and without this support they will have to move to nursing homes (which can cost upwards of 10,000 a month).  This also can mean that families with a child who has a disability will have to give up their rights to their child and be forced to put their child into crisis housing (which also costs upwards of 10,000 a month).  I cannot imagine being a mother faced with that choice.  It breaks my heart.  This does not even address the staff who will lose their jobs and then have to apply for unemployment and food stamps.


When the governor made this 6% cut across the board he did so not realizing that he is ending people's lives.  He is forcing families to split up, great programs who are cost effective go under and individuals like me hurt inside knowing people I love are being treated like sub-humans.  I think it is guilt and fear that prevents the media from telling this story.  It is also guilt and fear that prevents people from asking questions and/or seeing how they can help.  If we don't stand and say no to this 6% next year its going to be 10% and the year after 15% until we repeat Fairview.  Please imagine your mother/child/spouse/self being treated this way.

Would you tolerate it?